


Captain's Personal Log, part 2

by blcwriter



Series: Captain's Personal Log [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Jim is a competent frat bro with a heart of gold, M/M, Originally Posted on LiveJournal, TOS episode references, UST, unfinished series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 13:26:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4223397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blcwriter/pseuds/blcwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p> Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of the <em>U.S.S.</em> <em>Enterprise</em>-- as seen through the Captain's personal log.  Incredibly cracky, draws on and abuses all sorts of canon, as well as at least one crossover 'verse.  Also, Jim Kirk is a total crazy cat lady.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain's Personal Log, part 2

**Author's Note:**

> This is part 2 of the old LiveJournal series, and I can't say if it will ever be finished or if Jim & Bones will hang forever in the limbo I left them. My apologies, readers.

Stardate 2259.26

 

Spock's pissed I stole his girlfriend to go shopping on Risa, but I needed a break, since my first mission after getting over the whole getting my ass kicked by the Spoonheads thing can be summed up in two words.  _Nazi Planet._   The hell?  The universe is a freaky-ass place.  (Although, again, Spock looks good in a hat, even if is a Gestapo one.  At least now I have a theme for things I can buy him.  The man's so hard to shop for.  Hats, though?  This, I can work with.)

Spock's just jealous because I can totally see the point in owning as many shoes and boots and earrings as that woman does and have no problem saying so.  Accessories are important when it's the same boring uniform every damned day.  If I was a woman, I'd have a whole cargo bay full of jewelry and shoes and scarves and shit-- but no purses.  I just don't see the point, and then you have to ask someone to watch them or carry them out on the dance floor, which can get in the way of getting your groove on.  Who needs extra baggage?  I say, if it doesn't fit in a pocket or on a utility belt, forget it.  Uhura says I'm one to talk because I'd be "one of those skinny bitches who didn't need makeup and ate all the candy she wanted," which is a pretty nice compliment if you break it all down.  

 

But anyway, Spock was all "It is illogical to obtain so many personal possessions when our off duty time is so limited, Nyota, and those items are non-regulation, even if the Captain is correct that they do not interfere with job performance," and I was all "We've got plenty of storage space in the cargo bay and a woman can never have too many vintage Manolos," and I _totally_ won that one, because Uhura totally was all "See, the Captain agrees with me and he's a sensible man."  Maybe so, maybe no, but _I'm_ sure as hell not telling my comms officer not to buy any more heels.  I mean, the _legs_ on that woman.  If she wants to buy stilettos, I say she's improving shipboard morale. 

 

Plus, Uhura's the only person aboard who's got a good fashion sense for male clothes that are styling but not completely flamboyant (You could have knocked me over with a feather the first time I saw Chekov and Sulu in civvies when we went out to that club during that trip to Orion, I mean, sequins _and_ fringe _and_ glitter?  Please.) _and_ the summer lines just came in.  She was so right about the synth-tweeds last fall looking better on the hanger than on real people, and that boxy is just not a good cut on me.  Maybe "Jim, you look like a preschooler in Daddy's jacket," wasn't the nicest way to put it, but hey-- better she be honest than I look like an asshole in clothes that don't fit.  The Deltan spidersilk tunics and Nehru-collared jackets were a way better choice, and I'm digging the trouser thing this season with the retro button-up shirts, it's totally inter-war twentieth century. I knew I should buy some when I got the disgusted eye-roll when I came out of the dressing room, the one that means "I am not going to compliment you in that but yes, it looks perfect."

 

Anyway, Spock's just going to have to deal with the fact that Uhura's my shopping BFF.

 

I bought her the knee-length red suede vintage Jimmy Choo boots that match the red of her uniform as a present.  She so rolled her eyes at me all over again, the one that means "I am not going to thank you, but I _am_ going to wear the hell out of these."  That's all the thanks I need, really.  I mean, I know I said it already, but really.  The _legs_ on that woman.  
  
I hope just Spock doesn't neck pinch me when he finds out I bought them, much less how much they cost.  But I owed her a thank you from when the Amazonian priestesses on X3-11 (right before the Spoonheads, because sometimes a guy just can't get a break, I mean talk about frying pans and fire and shit) enslaved all the men on the ship and Uhura organized all the women to get us all back-- it's not like he should complain.  He totally drank the kool-aid with the rest of us, Mr. I Always Say I'm Vulcan Even Though My Half-Human Side Makes Me Unpredictably Susceptible to Alien Mind Control, Too.

 

I also picked Bones up a new pair of riding boots and had one of the custom shops knit up a replacement for his favorite fisherman's sweater, since we all had to burn our clothes after that uprising on Traxis turned shore leave into defending the planet against terrorist and biological warfare.  Thank God Sulu and Spock didn't fight me on the guerilla tactics I wanted, we would've been there _forever_ if we tried the pitched battles the planetary governor wanted.  At least I ruined the last of those stupid green uniform wrap shirts while we were there.  Those things made me look like a sissy.

 

Stardate 2259.39

 

Arranged for ship-wide shore leave for Valentine's weekend on Risa.  The crew totally deserves it after that whole frog planet disaster.  I mean, sentient overlord moss?  Sometimes I feel like I'm the figment of some drunk writer's cracked-out imagination.

 

Note to self-- work on the sleeping thing.  They're just Spoonheads and it's not like I died or something.  Archer says they'll send out some Intel teams to take a look at the situation at Bajor, though, so it's all good.

 

Stardate 2259.43

 

Had to shut down the glory hole and set an alarm system to tell me and Spock whenever someone tries to cut out a new one.  It's a bummer for everyone, but until Bones gets the Rigellian herpes under control, it's libido-killing drugs in the water and food for everyone.

 

I did not appreciate Chapel's insinuation that I was the source.  It was totally worth the shock on her face to tell her I haven't known anything but my hands and the wall of my shower in a biblical sense since we left Earth for the _Narada_ encounter.  Bones looked kind of surprised (okay, totally shocked, I wish I'd taken a picture, I mean, how often does he look something besides just straight-out-annoyed?) but at least he stood up for me when Chapel laughed and called me a liar-- I mean, I covered the whole damn ship over Valentine's Day so everyone could go get some nookie planetside, the woman should give me some credit.

 

Note to self-- Schedule Chapel's quarters for a random inspection by Security during delta shift, but make sure Bones isn't there first.  Anyone who calls their Captain a liar's got to be hiding something.  Maybe she'll have some illegal booze I can confiscate-- my personal stash is getting low and Scotty's still (which I know nothing about, especially when Agronomy complains because there's grain missing from stores) produces nothing better than paint stripper.  Nah.  I'm not going to toss over her room.  But if I can train Eddie and Flo to leave dead rats on her pillow, I'm totally doing it.

 

Further note to self-- tell Scotty to buy himself some personal grain with the proceeds of last week's betting pool, the one I also know nothing about, and to stop stealing from stores.  My Agronomy chief is a cranky old coot and a teetotaler, too-- he wouldn't agree that the manufacture of terrible alcohol is a warranted use for his special research triticale.  And it probably isn't.  I should look up some recipes for booze based on the more common grains Lt. Cmdr. O'Connor won't miss and slip them to Scotty.  Maybe I can help him reprogram one of the replicators to make more grain seed, then we can do some water into wine special booze-making magic.  
I don't believe in no-booze scenarios.

 

Stardate 2259.52

 

The crew's digging the ultimate frisbee league now that I've got all that weight back on and Bones cleared me to do something besides desk duty and diplomatic missions again.  I emailed Gary Mitchell a vid of last week's game where my team kicked Sulu's team's  _ass,_ complete with Captain James Tiberius Kirk's booty-shakin' victory dance of  _doom_ ,  _and_  I had Scotty transport him a Frisbee.  He's going to try and start a league of his own, and if it succeeds maybe we'll get the crews together for a game the next time we're all on shore leave together someplace.  Maybe I can organize a game on the quad when we're back on Earth for the quarterly Captain's conference.

We'll totally kick his ship's ass.  I mean, he lets his people have _hamsters._ They're little better than tribbles.  
  
Chekov has stopped asking for a pony, but if that jailbait bastard thinks I'm going to let him have a llama instead, he's got another thing coming.

Note to self-- talk to Sulu about dissuading Chekov from giving me puppy-dog eyes on the bridge.  It's unprofessional, damnit.  Also, it might make me feel a little bit mean, saying no all the time.  Maybe we can talk him down to a rabbit or something.  Llamas and rabbits are related, right?  And rabbits have real personalities, even if they are mostly Disapproving.  Hunh.  Maybe Spock will want one.

 

Stardate 2259.63

 

Android planet being run by Chapel's previously missing fiance Roger Corby.  Robots with weapons, damned ugly jumpsuits, and an in-retrospect totally hackneyed attempt at mind control and personality transfer, plus, like, _mega_ -huge-ungus (note to self, check to see if that's a word before using it in a staff meeting, I'm pretty sure that it isn't, even if it totally should be) violations of the Prime Directive for interfering with alien races, even if they are evil _and_ robots.  In my official report, I gave a big shout-out to Spock for cluing in to the fact that I totally welcome his half-breed interference on a regular basis, not to mention Bones for realizing that there's no way I'd ever tell him that drinking while Captaining a starship was completely irresponsible and a waste of my time.  I mean, drinking bourbon with Bones at the end of a Thursday is practically the only time I see him anymore, and I've got a pretty strong liver.  It takes more than three fingers of whiskey to knock _me_ on my ass.

 

When it was all over, Bones and Christine had a big fight about Roger trying to kill me.  I figured I'd better stay out of it, but I did send Bones a bottle of bourbon after she slapped him during alpha in Sickbay, _and_ I assigned her to work gamma and delta shifts for two weeks in a row.  Kinda bitchy, I know, but whether or not she should have caught on to the "my ex-fiance's completely insane and transferred his personality into an android" thing (I'm voting she should have guessed, but Bones is a goddamned fucking fantastic kisser, so maybe she was just a little confused), the fact is she shouldn't have brought up Bones' ex while she was defending herself.   _That_ was completely uncalled for, and I've gotta stick with the bro code, it's just how it is. 

At least Uhura agreed with me, since she rolled her eyes instead of telling me off when Chapel came to the bridge to complain and Spock wouldn't change things around.  Uhura didn't even crack on the fugly-ass jumpsuit when I first got back to the ship, and Spock was all "It is your turn to take late shifts despite your seniority," even though he _totally_ knows I had to have hacked the roster to fuck Chapel around.

 

Yeah, the couple of cool are my homies.

  
Stardate: 2259.68

Note to self: double check Environmental requisitions requests, there's something funny about their requests for all of those air filters and extra containers of plasticine sealant.  In recognition of my agreement to haggle Chekov down to a rabbit and not a damned llama or pony, Sulu totally did _not_ tell me that he thinks one of the new Botany ensigns is growing weed in one of the small labs, and he also totally did not tell me that she had a boyfriend in Environmental who was working on screens and scrubbers that would let the crew toke in their quarters.  Also, schedule midnight inspection of Botany lab once seedlings have had time to sprout. 

I'm kind of annoyed.  I mean, I let people have all the small pets that they want now that I've got a Zoologist who's also a vet-- and my only rules for shore leave are don't get arrested, don't get married to strangers and don't bring drugs or aphrodisiacs back to the _Enterprise._ It's a spaceship, for fuck's sake, it's contained air in a vacuum-- I mean, I totally would have brought back all those Cuban cigars if I thought it was safe, and I didn't, so that's saying something.

Stardate 2259.71

It _was_ marijuana.  Had to fire the Ensign and the boyfriend (who I totally caught quality-testing the wares).  The bastards told me I was harshing their mellow.  Fuck them.  I am James Tiberius Kirk-- I harsh nobody's mellow.  They're just whiny brats with no sense of self-preservation and no respect for the few rules that keep us safe in the dangers of space.

Oh, shit, did I just say that?

Gotta call Bones and ask him to make me a vanilla milkshake.  With Bourbon.  I harsh nobody's mellow.  Damned kids.  I knew I should have sent Spock to chase that rumor down and let him be the authoritarian Dad while I'm the hot MILF everybody wants to hang out with.  In a figurative sense of course.  Although it'd be cool to be a woman for at least a little bit.  I bet I'd have a nice rack.  
 

Stardate 2259.83

 

Good thing Uhura knows basic Xindi, and that she intercepted that coded transmission and brought it to my attention when she couldn't decipher the Reptilian and Insectoid dialects.  (Also?  Go me, James Badass GQ Motherfucking Tiberius Kirk, for knowing dialects my comms officer doesn't.)  Between T'Pol (old but _hot_ ) me and Admiral Archer (old but fierce) we were able to decode those transmissions and find their new planet and destroy the Sphere-Builder's base on their moon. 

Frankly, I'm sick of time-traveling genocidal races from alternate timelines-- I mean, not a full two years into this mission and it's already a goddamned cliche.  Fortunately, Spock's special Temporal Disturbances division in our science labs came up with an awesome lock on the Builders' ability to access this timeline again, which is something _Old_ Spock never figured out how to do.  Who has the baddest-ass crew?  Yeah-- that would be _this_ Kirk in _this_ universe. 

Archer is annoyed by it, too.  His words were "I am too old for this shit, I took care of this once already, for fuck's sake" and then we drank scotch and played pool in the rec room with Bones and T'Pol, who somehow is both a Cougar _and_ Vulcan.  She may be eighty five, but she doesn't look a day over fifty, and that blonde hair is totally _hot_.  She also made Spock all twitchy and stuff since she's so cool and relaxed, completely amusing to watch.  Uhura just rolled her eyes, though I think she thought some of T'Pol's jumpsuits were a little clingy for someone that age.  I kept my mouth shut.  Screw saving Earth again, I need a medal for _that_.

Archer's beagles are cute and they got on well with the cats while he was aboard and sharing my quarters.  Emma and Porthos got especially friendly, and Aramis only peed on Scotty's bed twice.  (I mean, what did he expect, he stranded the poor pooch between dimensions for five years...)

I think Bones and Chapel broke up, they're all "Doctor" this and "Nurse" that in Sickbay-- of course, they're still in total accord that stabbing me in the neck with hypos so hard is somehow kosher.  Medical bastards.

 

Note to self-- requisition a pull-out couch at the next Starbase, my neck was messed up even before we got into that fight boarding the Sphere-Builders' ship.  It wasn't like I wasn't going to let Archer take the couch, after all.  I mean, he's old _and_ he's an Admiral.  Plus, it kind of sucked that there was only room for Horace up on the couch with me.  If I can get a pullout then there's room for all four cats the next time I have an Admiral and three hundred extra marines aboard.  The crew was really good about sharing out bunk space, though, and Earth didn't blow up again, so everything's cool.  Also, Archer's bunking with me gave us some time to discuss the Cardassian/Bajor situation.

 

Mom came to the medal ceremony.  I guess Pike invited her, I certainly didn't.   I can't believe Mom's still married to Frank, but she always believed what she wanted.  I'm a little worried, though, because Bones hauled off and punched Frank as soon as we were all outside the hall and he's really not that into fighting.  Frank had better not complain or try to court martial Bones-- he'll feel the wrath of Kirk something fierce.  I'm not ten anymore, after all.

Note to self given Bones punching Frank-- pull automated Sickbay audio recordings for last three Sickbay stays and accompanying duty rosters to determine if sleep talking problem is back.  Bones has better things to do than have to put up with whining. 

I've got to find him a new girlfriend, he's been awfully cranky ever since the Cardassian mission and even more since that dumb Android planet when he and Chapel broke up.  At least Eddie and Flo are sleeping with him.

 

Stardate 2259.87

 

Surprise birthday party today from the crew after I finished the Remembrance Day service.  It was sweet that they want to celebrate my first birthday as Captain.  I stayed as long as I could, but I'd rather hang out with a bottle of bourbon and a real book.  I waited until the music got loud and people had begun to get pretty drunk before leaving-- I don't think they'll notice.  The cats were all here when I got back, though, so that's nice.  Scotty's cat doors in the wall work really well. 

 

Got to go, Bones just let himself in with more bourbon.  He looks kind of glum-- I hope he's okay.

 

Stardate 2259.96

 

We totally killed Gary's Ultimate Frisbee team during the stopover at Starbase Eight, so now I have a case _each_ of Romulan and Andorian ale stashed in my quarters.   The next senior officer poker game is going to be a real throwdown.  Also, my new pullout couch is totally awesome and there's room for me _and_ the cats just in case Pike comes to visit with a hundred marines or something the next time we have to invade some bullshit planet.  Speaking of which... two words.

Gangster Planet.

In addition to the fedora, Spock looks badass in pinstripes and peaked lapels.  Uhura and I _have_ to drag him out shopping, he cuts a sharp figure when he dresses up, you know?  Bones looked pretty damned hot in this navy-blue double-breasted combo too, with that wide kelly green tie to highlight his eyes. 

Note to self:  Give bonus to Ernie in Wardrobe.  He always does a great job with these exploratory undercover planetside missions.  I'm totally glad I hired him away from Paramount's costume division.

 

Stardate 2259.111

 

Spock can do his sniffy "It is not something about which we speak," all he wants-- I'm still making Bones transmit what we now know about _Pon Farr_ to Starfleet Medical so they can use it to treat other Vulcans in 'Fleet service as needed.  I mean, I knew something was wrong when he jumped me during lunch in the officer's mess when Uhura and I came in from our trip down to the market on Bajor, but it would have been easier to deal with the whole thing and make sure he and Uhura had the time off they needed without getting Old Spock involved.  I don't know what Old Spock told Bones when they talked about Spock trying to kill me for touching his mate, but Bones has been acting funny and watching Spock like a hawk ever since.  He keeps asking me if I know what _t'hy'la_ means and I keep saying no, it's old Vulcan and not something they talk about (secretive pointy-eared bastards), much less something they put in the dictionaries for off-worlders.  It's kind of a pain in the ass, Bones' nagging and giving Spock the special Bones stinkeye, but I'm sure he'll calm down once Spock hasn't tried to strangle me for two weeks in a row.

 

Good to know Spock's neck pinch works on Spock too, though, and that I got enough of a grip in time to keep him from strangling me quite so much.  Once he got over the blood lust and Vulcan heat thingamajig and his embarrassment at nearly choking his Captain _again_  (always good to have ammo when he gets all high and mighty), he showed me another nerve pinch near the kidneys that works on Klingons and Cardassians and other beings with structurally thick necks.  Hope I don't have to use it anytime soon. 

Note to self-- memo to Archer and Pike regarding presence of Cardassians in market on Bajor and suspicious activity at the rear of their embassy.  There's a lot of heavy construction equipment there for what looks like just a building refacing.

Stardate 2259.118

 

Good news, the lentil stains came out of my new jeans from the Pon Farr strangling incident.  Still no luck on the chickpeas as salad additions, though I did get the summer squash.  Gaila's tip about Scotty's paint stripper being useful on fabric was spot-on (or spot-off, I should say, ha ha ha).  I asked her to bring some to Ernie in Wardrobe as a present for hooking me up with some silky recuperative pjs in command black and gold houndstooth (those were incredibly awesome), though the blue ones with the green racing stripes are really cool, too.  I wonder if I can get purple with shiny white stars?

 

I don't know what Bones was talking about when he called me Hef and asked me why I wasn't wearing my smoking jacket just now to drop off Tania and Obie, since "Spock and Uhura are spending some time in meditation while the hobgoblin works on getting over Pon Farr."  Hah.  They just don't want to get it on with the cats in the room, like the kids are watching or something.  Cats are pretty cool customers, though, I don't think they'd be scarred for life if they saw _me_ getting it on with somebody, like _that's_ going to happen-- plus, I hate how sad they look when I pick them up and dump them out in the hall when I'm meeting with the Agronomy chief.  I mean, who doesn't like cats?

Bones is kind of weird sometimes, he's got all these strange retro references even when he's making fun of my awesome Captainly pjs.  It's not my fault my skin gets all itchy and sore when I'm healing from getting injected with paralyzing neurotoxins by grumpy eleven meter tall swamp things on unexplored planets.  I mean, was I supposed to let it eat Ensign Edwards from the Science Division?  I didn't think so. She's, like, 18, she's totally down with stopping the whole alternate universe thing, she's way too young and too cute to die, and she and her girlfriend from Cultural Sciences have organized such an incredible movie night, it's been really good for morale.  She was telling me about this roller derby league they want permission to start when she came to see me in Sickbay-- it sounds like it'll be fun.

I wonder if I could have Scotty transport some of those alien moss overlords from a few planets back and sic them on the swamp things of doom.

I hate being confined to quarters, but at least I've got Sulu and Chekov and Gaila all coming by to play bridge tomorrow after beta.  And I'm all caught up on my budgets for this quarter and next, and I've got the duty rosters for the next two months all set and I totally kicked Pike's ass in the subspace Scrabble contest he challenged me to.  Who doesn't know that syzygy is a word?  That triple word score put me right over the top.

Is there such a thing as strip bridge?  Talk about rubbers, hah.

 

Stardate 2259.143

 

Learned Russian and Gaelic just so I could tell if Scotty and Chekov are cussing me out sometimes.  They _totally_ are, the bastards.  Not that I'd call them on it, but all knowledge is useful.  Also-- the Scots and the Russians did, in fact, invent many things.  The fact nonetheless remains that the Chinese, Alexander Graham Bell, Benjamin Franklin and Leonardo Da Vinci still lead the way.  Those two totally splutter when I counter with the real information.  They should know better than to take on the Academy's all-time trivia champ.  



End file.
